It is so frustrating to slowly lose one's mind...LOL! I haven't lost mine, yet, but I think I have a better understanding of how someone with early stage dementia or Alzheimer's feels. I forget things...sometimes mid-sentence or sometimes it is more significant than that.
Oftentimes, people say...oh ya...that happens to me all the time. It is just part of getting older, or it is part of menopause. Yadda yadda yadda. I agree, some of my forgetfulness is indeed attributable to those things. But it is not the same. I am not telling you this to garner your sympathy. I am telling you this so that you can understand what people with chemo brain are really going through.
I will give you an example. I (finally) got my papers back from the doctor for my CPP Disability application. I was reading through the doctors' progress reports and on the latest one from Dr. H, it said that I was having an MRI. I immediately went into panic mode...heart pumping, sick feeling in my gut, mind racing..."OMG...did I miss my MRI appointment?? Was it yesterday? It was a Thursday and it was a week that Al was in Ottawa....okay..so not this week! Next week?!" I scurried over to the calendar...nothing for the month of February related to an MRI. I scolded myself for not remembering to put it on the calendar. How could I be so stupid! OMG...when is it?? I checked my printout of doctor's appointments. Nothing regarding an MRI. I checked my day planner...nothing in February. WTF?!? I sat down and tried to calm my nerves and really think this through. I would not have forgotten to write it down somewhere. I would not have missed such an important appointment. Think...think...think... Suddenly, I remembered. I went 2 weeks ago. In January. I ALREADY HAD MY MRI.
This is not typical menopause or 53 year old behaviour. It is chemo brain. It is a compilation of reaction to the myriad of poisons I have swallowed, injected and infused over the past 2 years. It is the underlying dread and stress that comes along with an incurable disease. It is the exhausted body and brain of someone who has been on the brink of death and "rebooted". And it sucks!!!
I recognize it for what it is, though. I joke about it. I scold myself and try to put processes in place to help myself. I openly acknowledge that I cannot remember things.
I do not understand why people with early onset dementia and Alzheimer's do not acknowledge it. They know what is going on, just as I do. They know that they are forgetting things that they should not forget. They know when they find the Kleenex in the fridge that they put it there. Why do they fight so hard to deny it? Why do they argue with their loved ones, who only want to help them, that there is nothing wrong? There are medications, supplements, brain exercises that can help them...yet they refuse to admit they have a problem. Even in the face of irrefutable evidence, they claim it is a conspiracy. OMG! I really don't understand. Is there still such a stigma around mental disorders that people would rather burn down their house, after forgetting the stove is on, than asking their doctor for some help?? I just don't get it!
At least my family and friends know that if I ask them a question that they just answered 3 minutes ago, it is not that I was not interested or engaged in the conversation. I can tell by the look on their face that I said something strange, so I will ask..."You already told me, didn't you?". And then we laugh...and they tell me again.
We were playing cards with my son and his girlfriend a few nights ago. I kept playing the wrong cards. We were playing UNO. As Mark - or maybe it was Al - said, the game is for 8 year olds...and we laughed. We laughed each time I messed up. No judgement. No hurt feelings. No fear of being put into a home somewhere. We laughed.
When you are dealt with a challenge in your life, you cannot change the situation in many cases, but you have the ability to change how you
react to it. I choose to look for the silver lining. I choose to look for the funny side of it. I choose to write about it so that others will also understand.
I choose to be vocal about my journey so that it might give others the courage to be open about their own challenges. Acknowledge it. Own it. It gives
you back the power.
The train is leaving the station. You can let it go without you, and be alone. You can lay down in front of it and just get it over with once and for all. Or you can jump on board and start a party! JUMP ON BOARD!!! The train is leaving anyway. :)
