Hey Cancer....FUCK YOU!

It has been a tough few weeks.

There are so many people in my life that are having a tough time. It is not fair. Cancer is not fair. Good people should not suffer. Assholes and criminals live their lives illness-free and good people are dealing with crap they should not have to. Arggghhhh!

There are a lot of things going on that I can't talk about here because of confidentiality requests. I can tell you that I have a network of friends and fellow cancer warriors that are very dear to me. We rally each other when we are down. We celebrate small victories and console each other when something goes bad. We support each other. We rely on each other. It is uplifting, empowering, and heart-warming. It is also devastating when one of us loses the battle.

It broke my heart to lose Pat Killingsworth earlier this year. He was a source of inspiration every single day. Throughout his last battle, he posted a short note on FB, almost every day, to say how he was doing and then still posted larger articles on his blog when he could. He always responded to my posts. He fought so damn hard. I miss him.

You might think it a little crazy that I connect so deeply to people I have not seen for many years, or some that I have never even met in person. It is not unlike the sense of loss people felt this past week when they learned of Prince's death...or Robin Williams...or Princess Di. You never met them or knew them, but you felt saddened by their passing because they brought something to your life and you felt a connection.

My cancer warrior friends are like that. We are there for each other. A wonderful man that I met through Wellspring Niagara lost his battle last week. He fought hard and defied so many odds. I met him a few times and heard him speak at the Wellspring Gala last November. He was so inspiring. He had a positive spirit and a desire to live. Now he is gone.

I have another friend who has been fighting breast cancer for a few years now. She has done everything she needed to do...eating healthy, exercising, staying positive, chemo, radiation, surgery...preventative surgeries...test after test...and Bam! It shows up again, somewhere else. Enough! It is not fair. She is a beautiful, strong, and vibrant wife, mother and friend. Fuck off, Cancer. Fuck OFF!

Another close friend is seeing the doctor today about the surgery he had a few weeks ago to remove a tumour from his kidney. My friend in Turkey with lymphoma is coming back to Canada to continue her treatment...she is still not ready for her stem cell transplant due to new lesions that need to be treated first. I have other friends who are in hospital right now fighting non-cancer related battles. One is not likely to make it, or at the very least will lose his legs, and the other has been in the ICU since April 15th.

I am sad. I am frustrated. I am scared. Can we slow down time? Can we pause the program for a bit? I am tired and I need a little breather.

I will be okay. I will find my strength again. That is what we do. We let the sadness wash over us for a while, then we take that deep, cleansing breath and stand up, ready to right the next battle. Sigh. Writing this is my cue to take that breath.

Breathe in....hold...out! Done. Ready. Coming up swinging. Look out Cancer...my friends and I are coming for you!!

Laundry Re-Do

I did laundry on the weekend. The weather was beautiful...sunny and breezy...so I hung most of it outside to dry. Nothing smells as nice as sunshine and wind dried laundry.

This morning I was getting ready to go to my massage appointment and was looking for my blue sweater. I remember hanging it on the back of the chair outside to dry. I remember folding it and putting it in the basket. All the baskets in my room are emptied and contents put away. No basket by the patio doors or at the foot of the stairs...none in the laundry room. Where is my damn sweater??

Then I look outside. There on the fire table is the last basket I took off the line and neatly folded, before I got side-tracked with something else to do. I never brought it in. Not such a big deal...except for the fact that it poured rain and hailed all night long and it was still pouring. OMG!


So now I am re-drying everything in the dryer today. It won't have the outdoorsy smell, but it will still smell nice. I switched to wool dryer balls and essential oils. :) Love lemongrass and the DoTerra Balance blend. And I am doing my part for the environment.




Not sure if my forgetfulness is age, menopause, chemo brain or just a dumb ass move...but it sucks. :)

Why do I write this blog?

I love writing my blog. It is therapeutic for me. A time to collect and analyze my thoughts. Dig deep within to pull out how I really feel. Using my creativity to pull it all together so that it makes sense and it is worth reading. There is another, bigger reason I want to write it. To help others.

Cancer is a really shitty disease. It is a black hole that sucks you, your spouse, your kids, your parents and eventually all your friends and relatives into it. It insinuates itself into every aspect of your life. It is always in the back of your mind. Tick tock, tick tock. Some of the crazy thoughts that come to you are ones that you really can't share with your closest friends or family members. Unless they have been diagnosed with a serious illness like this, they really can't understand how you feel.

When I found out I had MGUS (a benign blood disorder that sometimes develops into a blood cancer like Multiple Myeloma, Lymphoma, or Leukemia), I was scared. My family doctor told me that there was no sense worrying about it until and if it turned into cancer. My parents said the same thing. Many of my friends voiced the same opinion. I got it. I knew that I should not worry until I really needed to worry...but what you know intellectually and what happens emotionally are two different things.

Have you ever had a call-back from a medical test? Have you ever found a lump in your breast, or had a crushing pain in your chest... and your body goes cold. Your heart is in your throat. You bowels turn to water. You get scared. What if someone told you not to worry until you know for sure it is cancer or a heart attack? Would that be helpful? Not likely.

For me it was a year of blood tests every 3 months. Watching my IGG (Immunoglobulin - Gamma) levels rise each time. Knowing that the steady and predicable rate of increase was likely going to result in a cancer diagnosis. Not being able to do anything, but wait and see. Not being able to discuss the growing fear and dread with anyone, (other than my husband, thank god for him, because it would upset them, or elicit a response about how I am worrying for no reason. Better still, to be told that by worrying or talking about it, I am willing it to happen. I kid you not. More than one person.

Turning to the internet for information and answers led me to a few articles and web-sites that spoke to the fears and concerns of people with MGUS. They linked to blog posts and forums where people like me could express their anxieties about watching their body turn against them while they were powerless to do anything about it. It gave me peace to know that others felt as I did and we could discuss it and talk each other off the ledge.

Once I had a diagnosis of Smouldering Myeloma, everyone rose to attention. Now it was real. SM means that your blood protein levels have risen to such a level that it is now classified as cancer, but you don't have any obvious signs of "damage" so it is still wait and see. In some cases, you could smoulder for years.  My hematologist told us that he had 2 patients that were in smouldering stage for 20 years. This was little comfort as you looked around and saw that he had floor to ceiling piles of patient files on each wall of his office, a file room that we could not see, but assumed was full, and he was likely 70+ years old.

I did not have anemia, kidney damage or failure, hyercalcemia, or obvious bone damage or pain. I had chronic neck and back problems, and I did not notice anything different in the level of pain I was used to. So we were back to wait and see.

I couldn't do it. I was an emotional wreck. My kids were in BC and Alberta, my sisters in BC and my parents a 4 hour drive away. My husband was still recovering from his heart attack and cardiac arrest earlier that year. I needed to take action. Do something. Anything.

Over the next few months I had x-rays that indicated some small lesions in my skull and that prompted a reclassification of the disease to active Multiple Myeloma. An MRI indicated lesions throughout my spine. Some "holes" in the vertebrae as large as 1 cm across. The bone marrow biopsy indicated 15% cancerous marrow. Time to rally the troops! Time for ACTION!

In those months from MGUS to finally starting chemotherapy, (19 months), I needed support. I needed to have someone who understood what I was going through. I needed a safe place to share my thoughts and talk to, and listen to others. The various forums and blog posts that I found provided that. As did Wellspring Niagara (I have written about them previously). It became important to me to "give back" to this community and to others who did not know where to turn. Writing was good for my psyche, but if even one person benefited from one of my articles, then it was a win-win!

I have heard from many of you, over the last few years, that you have gotten something out of my blog. A laugh, or a cry. A moan or an eye-roll. But more importantly, I have touched people with cancer and in other cases, family members or friends trying to deal with cancer of a loved one. I have given some clarity to the emotional roller-coaster ride this is. I have given some education about Multiple Myeloma -- a cancer I had never heard of before I got it.

I keep writing for me. But I also keep writing for you and the future readers of this blog. If my writing can help someone that has cancer, or is supporting a loved one who is fighting, then I am happy. I have accomplished something good!

Thank you for reading. Thank you for supporting me in this fight. Thank you.