It was quite scary actually. Biaxin, which is the usual choice of antibiotic for sinusitis, or bronchitis, always works for me. I see the effects almost right away. Not this time. I kept getting worse and worse over the 2 days after starting it. I went to the emergency room on day 3. The doctor on call was phenomenal! She went above and beyond for me. When the x-ray did not show pneumonia, but I was obviously having some respiratory issues (like passing out)...she ordered a CT Scan which revealed the culprit. The new antibiotics would take up to 48 hours to show an improvement, so I went home very worried.
You see, I have done my research on Multiple Myeloma...and I know that most people with this cancer die of complications from pneumonia. It was the first time that I was thinking about dying in a serious way.
It seems overly dramatic in retrospect, but at the time, when every cell of my body ached, my lungs were on fire, and the chills and sweats of a fever were overwhelming my senses, I really thought that I could get so sick that I could die.
I thought about the things I had not yet done that I wanted to do. I realized that as much as I thought I was ready to accept whatever was coming my way, I really wasn't. I have lots of living to do yet! I have people to see, places to go, memories to make.
I also realized that I am still trying to do too much. Sigh. Type A personality traits do not easily lend themselves to slowing down to a crawl. But I have to. I have to slow down. Stop trying to do too many things on my good days. Just chill. It is a hard pill to swallow.
So, I will go back to ensuring I have days of rest between my "activity" days. I will stop saying "yes" to every invitation that comes my way. I will plan my weeks more carefully to ensure I don't get over-tired. And I will go back to having my afternoon nap-time, whether I really feel like having it or not.
I am grounding myself. Grounding in the teenager-in-trouble sort of way...LOL!!...but also in the spiritual sense. Finding my centre. Focusing on self. Paying attention to my body. Nurturing self FIRST above all else.
ground·ed
ˈɡroundid/
adjective
- 1.well balanced and sensible."the kids have money and a rock-star dad, but they seem grounded"
- 2.(of a pilot or an aircraft) prohibited or prevented from flying."you don't taunt a grounded flier, especially after he's had a few beers"
I invite all of you to do the same for yourselves, whether you have a critical illness or not. Make yourself a priority. Slow down your life. Savour the moments and the people in you life. It all comes to an end much too quickly. Don't watch the concert through your view-finder...take it in with all of your senses!!
