Cancer gave me the gift of appreciating what is in my life, but it also gave me some unwanted gifts. I worry more about the people around me. I don't want to be a burden - physically or emotionally. I have become more empathetic to other peoples' pain and heartache. I feel more deeply. I try too hard to be everything to everyone. Wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. I forget to put myself first sometimes...and I try to do it all. I am doing too much.
I have been struggling. The black dog of depression has returned to the periphery. He sits and waits for me to fall. I thought I could battle him alone. At first, I did not really understand why he was back. I thought I was just tired. I thought that ignoring him through rest and sleep would make him bored so he would give up and leave.
Sometimes I think I can do this alone. I think I am strong and invincible. I think that I don't need support. I can be stubborn and proud. I desperately want to assert my control over this demon that haunts me. Most days I can. But sometimes I need to ask for help.
Yesterday I was overwhelmed.
I had a Reiki appointment at 1:00 so I went into Wellspring early to talk to a peer support volunteer. I used to talk to Pat. At least once every 1-2 weeks I would go in and have a coffee and talk about the craziness bouncing around in my head. We did not talk just about cancer and its effects. We talked about the future, the past, the present. We talked about joy, depression, worry, loved ones, people who wronged us, people who propelled us. He always had a story to bring things back into focus. He challenged me to think about what was really important and get me back on track. Over the past 6 months he got sick and died. I knew that I missed him terribly, but I did not realize how lost I had become.
Since he left Wellspring, I did not go back for peer support. There are many, many wonderful support workers there, and I knew that Pat, himself, had recommended one in particular for me. I just couldn't do it. I thought that I could not start another relationship like that yet. But yesterday, I did.
I did not know where to begin. I told Gena that I was overwhelmed. I had so many thoughts and worries bubbling around in my head. I started to cry. I do not cry anymore. I watch sad or touching movies and I do not cry. I have lost 3 friends this year and did not cry. I cried a few tears after Pat's Celebration of Life, but I know there was so much more inside that would not come out. I realized in that moment how much I missed Pat. I also realized how much I missed talking about my issues to someone not emotionally connected to my family and personal situation. I need that outlet. I need someone to help me see clearly what is important.
Gena helped me to determine that although I am involved in so many issues in my life...I do not have to worry about them all every day. If I cannot DO anything to remedy the situation in that moment...then I should not let it consume my thoughts. We talked about a few of the more serious issues I was dealing with and she helped me to see that I could not do anything about them. It was up to other people to action them. I could provide my support and love to those people involved, but I could not DO anything. So why let it worry me and steal my joy from today, or from this moment? It was a powerful lesson. One I have heard before, but I seem to need to remedial work on this one. :)
My message to you, my readers, is do the same. Take stock of all that swirls around in your head each day, causing you to worry or feel sad, and think about what you can DO about it. If the answer is nothing...then let it go. For now. That does not mean you will not rally when the time comes that you can do something...but don't let it steal your joy.
Our time is limited and is precious. Appreciate today for what it is. Live fully in the NOW. Know that I love you all, and will always be there for you when you need me. I just won't carry your pain around with me anymore.
