Actually it is more often than that since I have two oncologists. After my stem cell transplant I asked my blood cancer specialist to keep seeing me as I did not have faith in my general oncologist. He agreed and we have maintained that connection ever since. I really don’t need him now since my general oncologist changed and the new one is wonderful...and she regularly connects with the specialist, however, it is always good to have a specialist involved in your care. So, I see Dr. Salib every 3 months and Dr. Kouroukis every 4-6 months.
Before each check-up I stop breathing. It was not always this way. In the beginning, it was exciting to hear that I was still in remission and holding strong. After the stem cell transplant, I was told that provided I remained on daily maintenance chemo, I should expect 5 years before relapse. The first 3 years were easy. The fourth, not so much. Now I am at 5 years, and it is very scary. I hold my breath. I ask the universe to spare me. I overindulge in steak and pizza and ice cream. Until the check up and I get the all-clear again.
It is a rollercoaster of epic proportions. Right now I am buoyed by the good news I got last week...but I am sensing the anxiety of the next check-up starting to build. I try not to worry. I try not to think about it. I try to live my life in the moment. For the most part I am successful at doing that. I have joy in my heart and am filled with gratitude for the gifts I have been given already in this 56 year life.
But floating beneath the skin is that little flutter in my chest.
