Banish those demons!!

We all have demons. Unresolved anger, hurt, disappointment, resentment. You have to resolve them in order to live a happy life. It isn't easy, but you need to do it.

Forgiveness is hard. It does not mean that you approve or condone the behaviour that you are forgiving. It means that you acknowledge it and its impact on you and you let it go. You stop lamenting over what could have been or what should have been and accept what is. Today. Move forward.

I had an unresolved issue. It was not something someone did to me...I did something unkind to someone else many, many years ago. It haunted me. I regretted it so much, but did not see a way to let it go and move on. Many triggers reminded me of my actions throughout the years and I decided last year that I had to forgive myself. It was very difficult and very scary, but I opened up a dialogue with the person I hurt and acknowledged that I knew what I had done and the impact it likely had. I acknowledged that I was immature and selfish to say the things I did. I said I was sincerely sorry.

At that point, I resolved the issue for myself. I could move on. I put down the 34 years of guilt I was carrying around. What a relief. I was also very happy and very fortunate to have the person respond that they understood and wanted to move forward as well. That was an added bonus.

The act of forgiving yourself frees you from reliving that moment again and again. It is over, done with, air is cleared. Whether the other person forgives you or not, if you have done all you can to atone, then you need to move on.

There are other pieces of baggage I carried around as well. People who disappointed me. People I felt had abandoned me. I waited many, many years to hear them say they acknowledged how they hurt me...but it never came. I was always prepared to forgive them, had they asked. Then I realized that they did not need to ask me to forgive them. I could just do it. It does not relieve their own guilt, but it lets me move on. I tell them through my thoughts that I have let it go, and the burden is theirs to carry, not mine. Phew! What a relief that is. Again, a huge burden that we carry with us that we can let go.

Do yourself a favour. Atone for your wrongs and forgive those who have wronged you. Don't let them hurt you again, but move forward from this day on.

The lighter we are, the higher we can fly.

Second Wind

I got over my little tantrum...LOL!! Caught my second wind...or at this point it is likely by 200th wind. It was overwhelming to have to deal with so many illnesses and calamities all at once. I don't know if it is our age...50 something...and now everyone's parents are ailing and we are also falling apart...or if it is the internet and the speed with which we hear about what is happening and the sheer volume of info.

25 years ago, we only knew what we were told. People kept illness a secret. Newspapers reported on significant deaths and Joe Blow was only mentioned in the local paper.

We are in touch with so many people through social media that we know immediately what everyone else is going through. It is good and bad. Personally, I would not change a thing. It just sucks when a lot is happening at once.

I have a nice vacation coming up. Spending a week with my daughter and with my dear friend Shiela is something I really need.

Kaila and I can be like oil and water...much like my own mom and I. The perils of the interaction of two strong-willed women. :) Again, I would not change a thing. Kaila and I will have some quality time together and although I have seen more of her this year than her brother who lives 40 minutes away, it is very nice to have this opportunity.

Shiela was my room-mate for one semester in college. I could not find a place to rent, so she invited me to share her basement apartment. Well...that was an education!! I learned to love Backgammon, sang some Scottish ditties, listened to lots of George Jones country songs, and got hooked on the Young and the Restless.

I also learned to appreciate heat. We could see our breath in that apartment!! Shiela became a wonderful friend and although we drifted apart for several years, we have always been there for each other when needed. We have seen each other a handful of times in the past 20 years so I am very excited to spend a week catching up. I am sure there will be some Scottish ditties sung before the end of the week!!

My Auntie Mary had a canary

Up the leg of her drawers

It would'na come doon for half a croon

Or a note from Santy Claus

 

Auntie Mary had a canary
Up the leg of her drawers
When she farted it departed
To a round of applause

Well, I just wanted to check in and let you know how much I appreciate the support and love you have sent my way. We all need a little boost now and then, and you never fail me when I really need it. Thank you. I love you.

Linda xo

Hey Cancer....FUCK YOU!

It has been a tough few weeks.

There are so many people in my life that are having a tough time. It is not fair. Cancer is not fair. Good people should not suffer. Assholes and criminals live their lives illness-free and good people are dealing with crap they should not have to. Arggghhhh!

There are a lot of things going on that I can't talk about here because of confidentiality requests. I can tell you that I have a network of friends and fellow cancer warriors that are very dear to me. We rally each other when we are down. We celebrate small victories and console each other when something goes bad. We support each other. We rely on each other. It is uplifting, empowering, and heart-warming. It is also devastating when one of us loses the battle.

It broke my heart to lose Pat Killingsworth earlier this year. He was a source of inspiration every single day. Throughout his last battle, he posted a short note on FB, almost every day, to say how he was doing and then still posted larger articles on his blog when he could. He always responded to my posts. He fought so damn hard. I miss him.

You might think it a little crazy that I connect so deeply to people I have not seen for many years, or some that I have never even met in person. It is not unlike the sense of loss people felt this past week when they learned of Prince's death...or Robin Williams...or Princess Di. You never met them or knew them, but you felt saddened by their passing because they brought something to your life and you felt a connection.

My cancer warrior friends are like that. We are there for each other. A wonderful man that I met through Wellspring Niagara lost his battle last week. He fought hard and defied so many odds. I met him a few times and heard him speak at the Wellspring Gala last November. He was so inspiring. He had a positive spirit and a desire to live. Now he is gone.

I have another friend who has been fighting breast cancer for a few years now. She has done everything she needed to do...eating healthy, exercising, staying positive, chemo, radiation, surgery...preventative surgeries...test after test...and Bam! It shows up again, somewhere else. Enough! It is not fair. She is a beautiful, strong, and vibrant wife, mother and friend. Fuck off, Cancer. Fuck OFF!

Another close friend is seeing the doctor today about the surgery he had a few weeks ago to remove a tumour from his kidney. My friend in Turkey with lymphoma is coming back to Canada to continue her treatment...she is still not ready for her stem cell transplant due to new lesions that need to be treated first. I have other friends who are in hospital right now fighting non-cancer related battles. One is not likely to make it, or at the very least will lose his legs, and the other has been in the ICU since April 15th.

I am sad. I am frustrated. I am scared. Can we slow down time? Can we pause the program for a bit? I am tired and I need a little breather.

I will be okay. I will find my strength again. That is what we do. We let the sadness wash over us for a while, then we take that deep, cleansing breath and stand up, ready to right the next battle. Sigh. Writing this is my cue to take that breath.

Breathe in....hold...out! Done. Ready. Coming up swinging. Look out Cancer...my friends and I are coming for you!!

Laundry Re-Do

I did laundry on the weekend. The weather was beautiful...sunny and breezy...so I hung most of it outside to dry. Nothing smells as nice as sunshine and wind dried laundry.

This morning I was getting ready to go to my massage appointment and was looking for my blue sweater. I remember hanging it on the back of the chair outside to dry. I remember folding it and putting it in the basket. All the baskets in my room are emptied and contents put away. No basket by the patio doors or at the foot of the stairs...none in the laundry room. Where is my damn sweater??

Then I look outside. There on the fire table is the last basket I took off the line and neatly folded, before I got side-tracked with something else to do. I never brought it in. Not such a big deal...except for the fact that it poured rain and hailed all night long and it was still pouring. OMG!


So now I am re-drying everything in the dryer today. It won't have the outdoorsy smell, but it will still smell nice. I switched to wool dryer balls and essential oils. :) Love lemongrass and the DoTerra Balance blend. And I am doing my part for the environment.




Not sure if my forgetfulness is age, menopause, chemo brain or just a dumb ass move...but it sucks. :)

Why do I write this blog?

I love writing my blog. It is therapeutic for me. A time to collect and analyze my thoughts. Dig deep within to pull out how I really feel. Using my creativity to pull it all together so that it makes sense and it is worth reading. There is another, bigger reason I want to write it. To help others.

Cancer is a really shitty disease. It is a black hole that sucks you, your spouse, your kids, your parents and eventually all your friends and relatives into it. It insinuates itself into every aspect of your life. It is always in the back of your mind. Tick tock, tick tock. Some of the crazy thoughts that come to you are ones that you really can't share with your closest friends or family members. Unless they have been diagnosed with a serious illness like this, they really can't understand how you feel.

When I found out I had MGUS (a benign blood disorder that sometimes develops into a blood cancer like Multiple Myeloma, Lymphoma, or Leukemia), I was scared. My family doctor told me that there was no sense worrying about it until and if it turned into cancer. My parents said the same thing. Many of my friends voiced the same opinion. I got it. I knew that I should not worry until I really needed to worry...but what you know intellectually and what happens emotionally are two different things.

Have you ever had a call-back from a medical test? Have you ever found a lump in your breast, or had a crushing pain in your chest... and your body goes cold. Your heart is in your throat. You bowels turn to water. You get scared. What if someone told you not to worry until you know for sure it is cancer or a heart attack? Would that be helpful? Not likely.

For me it was a year of blood tests every 3 months. Watching my IGG (Immunoglobulin - Gamma) levels rise each time. Knowing that the steady and predicable rate of increase was likely going to result in a cancer diagnosis. Not being able to do anything, but wait and see. Not being able to discuss the growing fear and dread with anyone, (other than my husband, thank god for him, because it would upset them, or elicit a response about how I am worrying for no reason. Better still, to be told that by worrying or talking about it, I am willing it to happen. I kid you not. More than one person.

Turning to the internet for information and answers led me to a few articles and web-sites that spoke to the fears and concerns of people with MGUS. They linked to blog posts and forums where people like me could express their anxieties about watching their body turn against them while they were powerless to do anything about it. It gave me peace to know that others felt as I did and we could discuss it and talk each other off the ledge.

Once I had a diagnosis of Smouldering Myeloma, everyone rose to attention. Now it was real. SM means that your blood protein levels have risen to such a level that it is now classified as cancer, but you don't have any obvious signs of "damage" so it is still wait and see. In some cases, you could smoulder for years.  My hematologist told us that he had 2 patients that were in smouldering stage for 20 years. This was little comfort as you looked around and saw that he had floor to ceiling piles of patient files on each wall of his office, a file room that we could not see, but assumed was full, and he was likely 70+ years old.

I did not have anemia, kidney damage or failure, hyercalcemia, or obvious bone damage or pain. I had chronic neck and back problems, and I did not notice anything different in the level of pain I was used to. So we were back to wait and see.

I couldn't do it. I was an emotional wreck. My kids were in BC and Alberta, my sisters in BC and my parents a 4 hour drive away. My husband was still recovering from his heart attack and cardiac arrest earlier that year. I needed to take action. Do something. Anything.

Over the next few months I had x-rays that indicated some small lesions in my skull and that prompted a reclassification of the disease to active Multiple Myeloma. An MRI indicated lesions throughout my spine. Some "holes" in the vertebrae as large as 1 cm across. The bone marrow biopsy indicated 15% cancerous marrow. Time to rally the troops! Time for ACTION!

In those months from MGUS to finally starting chemotherapy, (19 months), I needed support. I needed to have someone who understood what I was going through. I needed a safe place to share my thoughts and talk to, and listen to others. The various forums and blog posts that I found provided that. As did Wellspring Niagara (I have written about them previously). It became important to me to "give back" to this community and to others who did not know where to turn. Writing was good for my psyche, but if even one person benefited from one of my articles, then it was a win-win!

I have heard from many of you, over the last few years, that you have gotten something out of my blog. A laugh, or a cry. A moan or an eye-roll. But more importantly, I have touched people with cancer and in other cases, family members or friends trying to deal with cancer of a loved one. I have given some clarity to the emotional roller-coaster ride this is. I have given some education about Multiple Myeloma -- a cancer I had never heard of before I got it.

I keep writing for me. But I also keep writing for you and the future readers of this blog. If my writing can help someone that has cancer, or is supporting a loved one who is fighting, then I am happy. I have accomplished something good!

Thank you for reading. Thank you for supporting me in this fight. Thank you.

Don't worry, be happy!

I few months ago I was afraid that my cancer was progressing. I was very, very tired and had been sick with colds, sinusitis, laryngitis and stomach flu for weeks on end. I was reluctant to make plans for the coming year...just in case.

My check ups showed that I was still in remission. The fatigue and illness were just residual and ongoing effects of the poisons I had subjected my body to over the past 2 years...and still do on a daily basis. Phew!

Since then I have been busy getting on with my life. Al and I are leaving soon for a 2.5 week vacation in Florida. When we get back, I am flying to Calgary to help my daughter set up her new house. In May, I am going to Cuba with my daughter and her friends and my dear friend, Shiela. In June, Al and I are gong to Vancouver, Squamish, and Calgary. In October, I am going to Toronto to see the Adele concert with my friends Carm, Shiela and Anne.

Who knows what other adventures I will embark on? I am living my life. I may have days on these adventures when I can only laze around and sleep or read. And that is okay! As long as there is life to live, I am going to live it...Really LIVE IT!!

YeeHaw!!

I hear the train a comin'...

It is so frustrating to slowly lose one's mind...LOL! I haven't lost mine, yet, but I think I have a better understanding of how someone with early stage dementia or Alzheimer's feels. I forget things...sometimes mid-sentence or sometimes it is more significant than that.

Oftentimes, people say...oh ya...that happens to me all the time. It is just part of getting older, or it is part of menopause. Yadda yadda yadda. I agree, some of my forgetfulness is indeed attributable to those things. But it is not the same. I am not telling you this to garner your sympathy. I am telling you this so that you can understand what people with chemo brain are really going through.

I will give you an example. I (finally) got my papers back from the doctor for my CPP Disability application. I was reading through the doctors' progress reports and on the latest one from Dr. H, it said that I was having an MRI. I immediately went into panic mode...heart pumping, sick feeling in my gut, mind racing..."OMG...did I miss my MRI appointment?? Was it yesterday? It was a Thursday and it was a week that Al was in Ottawa....okay..so not this week! Next week?!"  I scurried over to the calendar...nothing for the month of February related to an MRI. I scolded myself for not remembering to put it on the calendar. How could I be so stupid! OMG...when is it?? I checked my printout of doctor's appointments. Nothing regarding an MRI. I checked my day planner...nothing in February. WTF?!? I sat down and tried to calm my nerves and really think this through. I would not have forgotten to write it down somewhere. I would not have missed such an important appointment. Think...think...think... Suddenly, I remembered. I went 2 weeks ago. In January. I ALREADY HAD MY MRI.

This is not typical menopause or 53 year old behaviour. It is chemo brain. It is a compilation of reaction to the myriad of poisons I have swallowed, injected and infused over the past 2 years. It is the underlying dread and stress that comes along with an incurable disease. It is the exhausted body and brain of someone who has been on the brink of death and "rebooted". And it sucks!!!

I recognize it for what it is, though. I joke about it. I scold myself and try to put processes in place to help myself. I openly acknowledge that I cannot remember things.

I do not understand why people with early onset dementia and Alzheimer's do not acknowledge it. They know what is going on, just as I do. They know that they are forgetting things that they should not forget. They know when they find the Kleenex in the fridge that they put it there. Why do they fight so hard to deny it? Why do they argue with their loved ones, who only want to help them, that there is nothing wrong? There are medications, supplements, brain exercises that can help them...yet they refuse to admit they have a problem. Even in the face of irrefutable evidence, they claim it is a conspiracy. OMG! I really don't understand. Is there still such a stigma around mental disorders that people would rather burn down their house, after forgetting the stove is on, than asking their doctor for some help?? I just don't get it!

At least my family and friends know that if I ask them a question that they just answered 3 minutes ago, it is not that I was not interested or engaged in the conversation. I can tell by the look on their face that I said something strange, so I will ask..."You already told me, didn't you?". And then we laugh...and they tell me again.

We were playing cards with my son and his girlfriend a few nights ago. I kept playing the wrong cards. We were playing UNO. As Mark - or maybe it was Al - said, the game is for 8 year olds...and we laughed. We laughed each time I messed up. No judgement. No hurt feelings. No fear of being put into a home somewhere. We laughed.

When you are dealt with a challenge in your life, you cannot change the situation in many cases, but you have the ability to change how you react to it. I choose to look for the silver lining. I choose to look for the funny side of it. I choose to write about it so that others will also understand.

I choose to be vocal about my journey so that it might give others the courage to be open about their own challenges. Acknowledge it. Own it. It gives you back the power.

The train is leaving the station. You can let it go without you, and be alone. You can lay down in front of it and just get it over with once and for all. Or you can jump on board and start a party! JUMP ON BOARD!!! The train is leaving anyway. :)