Delayed Reaction

My last post was September 10th and it was a quick, impersonal update on my medical status. Maybe you were wondering why I did not write something sooner. Well, it was because the news had an unexpected impact on me. I should have been elated at a status of full remission...and I was...for a brief period. I, shortly thereafter, found myself to be sad, down, and not really sure why.

I have thought a lot about it and think I have figured out what happened. I struggled to find a metaphor to use to explain it, and I think this one is close, although I dare say that unless you have walked in my shoes, you would not completely understand any of what I am going through.

Imagine that you are ready for the prom, or a special date...your hair is done, your dress is beautiful, your makeup perfect. You feel like a million bucks. Then you look outside and see the torrential rainstorm...and you know that by the time you get to the party, you will look a wreck...your hair will be flat, your mascara running and your silk dress covered in water spots. How depressing!

My situation is similar. A full remission is fantastic. The best possible outcome after the stem cell transplant. But the rainstorm -- the relapse -- is still looming. Not only that, but the proverbial clock is now ticking. Multiple myeloma is not curable. This is the beginning of a cycle of remission, relapse, remission, relapse for me. The length of my first remission will set the tone for the others that will follow.

Of course I hope for, and anticipate, a long remission, but the reality is that the average is just a few years. I felt happy that I had such a fantastic response, but felt sad that the reality of my situation was hitting me full force for the first time. Tick tock. Son of a bitch...it just isn't fair!

So I was feeling sorry for myself for a few weeks. I am entitled. It has been a year since my diagnosis and it just overwhelmed me. I am also over it now. I am feeling positive and energized again. :)

My situation has not changed, but my outlook on it has. I am ready to enjoy the remission period to its fullest extent, and will be ready for the next battle whenever it is time.