I am angry!

My boss sent me an email a few weeks ago and spoke to me today on the phone. An official letter is coming to ask me what my intentions are with respect to returning to work. Sigh. I am not ready for this.

I am only 52 years old. Why do I have to make a decision like this at this young age? It is hard. When you take a job with the federal government, (at least back in the day), you were signing up to be a life-long public servant. Not only is the job lucrative with respect to decent pay, great benefits and pension plan, but you get such a sense of pride in serving your country in this manner. I know that sounds hokey, but it really is true.

When I joined Customs and Excise in 1982, I was so proud to be part of a team of officers protecting our country's citizens and industry. You worked hard and rejoiced when terrorists were apprehended and heroin or cocaine was found, never to make it to the streets!

My focus was freedom 55. By age 55 I would have 35 years of service and could retire with a full pension. This was always the plan. (By the way, although it is a great pension plan, we contributed almost 10% of our pay to it...so any similar good investment would give you an equally great retirement package.) It is difficult now, at age 52 to throw in the towel. I feel like I am being cheated.

It is not my employer's fault. Any employee on 2 years of LWOP (Leave without pay) is asked to make a decision about continuing their employment and they either return to work or quit/retire. My 2 years is up in December. I have to make a decision then. This is not something I want to do. CANCER is making me do it. Cancer is winning another battle. NOT FAIR!

The first battle CANCER won was the day I had to shave my head. Leading up to that point, I had slowly cut my hair shorter and shorter. I did not want to see it falling out in handfuls, so I buzzed it shorter and shorter. ON MY TERMS and my timeline. My choice...not CANCER's. One day, my short little buzzy parts started falling out in patches. My hair was so dark that it was immediately obvious. I tried to put on a scarf or a wig. Both felt uncomfortable and I could feel my hair underneath. I went up to my bathroom and buzzed it all off. I came downstairs and curled up on Al's lap and cried my eyes out. I had no problem with losing my hair. I just wanted it to happen on my terms, not CANCER's. I felt that that was the first battle it had won.

It was also the first time I cried for myself and my fate.

It was also the last time.

 I feel I am in the same situation again. Could I return to work tomorrow. No. Of course not. Can I return in 6 months? Maybe. A very weak maybe. Am I ready to say that I can't work again? NO. I am not ready. I will be ready at some point, but not today. If I am forced to make this decision before I am ready, then CANCER will have won another battle. I have some thinking to do. Some analysis to do. Some conversations with my doctors in September. Some conversations with the Compensation and Pension folks at the Retirement Seminar in October. Then, maybe I will be ready to make a decision. On my terms. When I am ready.

CANCER takes so much from us. Free will is the most difficult thing to give up.

Fuck you, CANCER!

Fuck you!

30 Year Old Gifts

Where did the month of July go?? Zoom zoom, it is August already!

On July 20th Al and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. We went to our favourite restaurant - The Keg - for dinner with our daughter, Kaila, our son Mark, and his girlfriend, Rachelle.

On July 25th we had an open-house party at our home and approximately 50 people attended. It was lovely to see so many of our old friends who travelled quite long distances to see us. A few of them actually attended the wedding!! LOL!

What is also amazing is that I still have, and use, some of my shower and wedding gifts to this day. We got a white cotton blanket from a gentleman Al worked with in Collingwood and we still use it today. It doesn't look as fresh and crisp as it did 30 years ago, but neither do we.

I have a set of plastic mixing bowls that my cousin gave me for a shower gift. I still use all three of them whenever I bake an apple pie. :)

My food processer is still going strong and can shred potatoes for latkes like no other! I got that from a friend who was married 2 weeks before me, and I caught the bouquet at her wedding!

My knife set is as sharp as ever and I always reach for that butcher knife first when I need to cut something up. My parents' neighbours gave us that. Their daughter was my maid of honor.

I am sure there are more gifts that we still use that have slipped my mind at the moment, and my intent was not to list them all, but to remind each other that a gift is a precious thing. Sometimes, we may find it easier to just put a gift card into an envelope and let the recipient chose something themselves. You know you won't make a mistake then. But there is something to be said about a gift that reminds you of the person each time you use it.

My mixing bowls are a great example. Just a "good" set of orange plastic bowls with lids. But when I pull them out to use them for making a pie or for chips or popcorn, I ALWAYS think..."Wow, I am still using these bowls that Cathy gave me." Then I remember how she lived with me in my apartment in Etobicoke for a short while when she first moved to the city. Her brother, Scott, also lived with me. I had a pull-out ottoman that he slept on. (Good thing he was skinny) and Cathy shared my double bed with me. :)  When I moved in with Al to our first marital home, they sub-let the apartment. It was in the same building that I lived in as a boarder with Carol and Brian. Carol's mom Marj, and my mom were besties. Then I think of all the fun times with Carol and Brian...and so it goes. A simple bowl set brings this much joy to my life.

Next time you are invited somewhere and need to take a gift. Think it through for a moment. Is there something that you could get them that will remind them of you and the good times you have had together? Something that will stand the test of time. It doesn't have to cost a lot. It just needs to be something that they will remember came from you.

Food for thought.