I am only 52 years old. Why do I have to make a decision like this at this young age? It is hard. When you take a job with the federal government, (at least back in the day), you were signing up to be a life-long public servant. Not only is the job lucrative with respect to decent pay, great benefits and pension plan, but you get such a sense of pride in serving your country in this manner. I know that sounds hokey, but it really is true.
When I joined Customs and Excise in 1982, I was so proud to be part of a team of officers protecting our country's citizens and industry. You worked hard and rejoiced when terrorists were apprehended and heroin or cocaine was found, never to make it to the streets!
My focus was freedom 55. By age 55 I would have 35 years of service and could retire with a full pension. This was always the plan. (By the way, although it is a great pension plan, we contributed almost 10% of our pay to it...so any similar good investment would give you an equally great retirement package.) It is difficult now, at age 52 to throw in the towel. I feel like I am being cheated.
It is not my employer's fault. Any employee on 2 years of LWOP (Leave without pay) is asked to make a decision about continuing their employment and they either return to work or quit/retire. My 2 years is up in December. I have to make a decision then. This is not something I want to do. CANCER is making me do it. Cancer is winning another battle. NOT FAIR!
The first battle CANCER won was the day I had to shave my head. Leading up to that point, I had slowly cut my hair shorter and shorter. I did not want to see it falling out in handfuls, so I buzzed it shorter and shorter. ON MY TERMS and my timeline. My choice...not CANCER's. One day, my short little buzzy parts started falling out in patches. My hair was so dark that it was immediately obvious. I tried to put on a scarf or a wig. Both felt uncomfortable and I could feel my hair underneath. I went up to my bathroom and buzzed it all off. I came downstairs and curled up on Al's lap and cried my eyes out. I had no problem with losing my hair. I just wanted it to happen on my terms, not CANCER's. I felt that that was the first battle it had won.
It was also the first time I cried for myself and my fate.
It was also the last time.
I feel I am in the same situation again. Could I return to work tomorrow. No. Of course not. Can I return in 6 months? Maybe. A very weak maybe. Am I ready to say that I can't work again? NO. I am not ready. I will be ready at some point, but not today. If I am forced to make this decision before I am ready, then CANCER will have won another battle. I have some thinking to do. Some analysis to do. Some conversations with my doctors in September. Some conversations with the Compensation and Pension folks at the Retirement Seminar in October. Then, maybe I will be ready to make a decision. On my terms. When I am ready.
CANCER takes so much from us. Free will is the most difficult thing to give up.
Fuck you, CANCER!
Fuck you!
1 comment:
#FUC
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