This HAIR!!

Many of you knew me BC - before cancer. I had straight blond hair.

 

Now I have very curly dark brown hair.

 

What happened??

 I was blond as a child.

 My natural hair colour has gotten darker over the years. With both pregnancies, my hair grew darker and darker. I have been highlighting my hair since I was a teen. I just like lighter hair. My hair had a little bit of a wave to it. If I scrunched it and let it air dry I had some beachy waves in it...but overall it was pretty straight. In my teens and early 20's I permed it to give it some body and curl.

Chemotherapy related hair loss occurs because chemotherapy targets all rapidly dividing cells—healthy cells as well as cancer cells. Hair follicles are some of the fastest-growing cells in the body so, as the chemo does its work against cancer cells, it also destroys your hair cells. Not all chemotherapy medications cause hair loss and not everyone experiences the same degree. My induction chemo (Dec 2013 - April 2014) only caused some thinning of my hair. I noticed it falling out in the shower, but I have such a healthy full head of hair to begin with that it was not noticeable. I was not to have any colour done so I cut my hair short right away to allow an easier transition away from the blond highlights.

I knew that the chemo I would receive prior to my stem cell harvest would likely cause complete hair loss and the chemo I would receive prior to the transplant would definitely do it in, so I chopped it shorter and shorter until it was buzzed for that first chemo infusion. Knowing it would be about 10-14 days before it actually fell out, I was ready and prepared. :) Once those little buzzies started to fall out, I shaved it all off. That was a difficult day (see my post from July).

  

Being completely bald was great! I tried the kerchief and wig route but it was itchy and hot and I realized I was doing it for everyone else and not for me. So for the most part, I just went bald! For many women, losing their hair is the most traumatic part of this journey. It was not that way for me. I chose to embrace the change. I loved not having to blow-dry and straighten...and shave my legs and pits!!

Once it started to grow in, it was soft as down feathers and very dark. It came in curly and then got curlier and curlier. I still find that it is a surprise some days when I look in the mirror!

 In many cases the hair follicles will be affected for 6-18 months after chemo ends. This can result in a different colour, texture or chemo curls. My chemo curls are still going strong...and my last chemo infusion was on May 21, 2014. I am getting used to it. I am letting it grow out so that it will end up in soft waves (hopefully). With my luck, it will just start looking nice and my hair follicles will start producing straight hair again. Arghh. This is why a lot of women keep their hair very short for a few years after treatment. Until the texture and colour is stable, it is just easier to wear a fashionable pixie cut! I may resort to that yet...

 



The Dark Shadow

This post may be a bit of a departure from the usual topic. It is about depression. Every one of you knows someone who suffers from this illness. You may even have it yourself or dealt with it at some time in the past. It can be an annoyance, a frustration or a total life interruption.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression about 20 years ago. There was no significant event that brought it on, and I was probably suffering for years before and just did not recognize it until it interrupted my life. I sat on my bed and started crying. I could not stop for over 3 hours. I went to my doctor the next day.

I have been on anti-depressants since then. Several times over the years I weaned myself off and thought I could just do it on my own. I always discovered that this was a bad idea after it was too late. Considering that anti-depressants take up to 6 weeks to work and several weeks to get out of your system, I set myself up for months of anguish each time I did that...for what? Pride? Fear of the stigma of having a mental health issue?

My depression is a chemical imbalance. There is a family history of depression. I should not be ashamed...and I am not, anymore.

I am infuriated when I hear someone say "go take a Prozac!". They have no idea how hurtful that is to someone who suffers from depression. Would they tell someone to "go shoot some insulin" or "take a shot of nitro". Of course not. Diabetes and Heart Disease are real ailments, right? Well, so is Depression!

Once I started taking medication, I realized that I had been depressed for years. My symptoms were not so much weepy, crying jags, but anger, lack of emotional connection to people, and the need to be alone. I would think about burrowing into the back of my closet and sitting there quietly for hours. I did not do it, as I had little kids then, but I thought about how wonderful that would be. I do remember sitting on my bed, staring at nothing and realizing that an hour had gone by in a blink of an eye.

For several years now I have accepted my diagnosis and have stopped trying to "get off the meds". I accept that this is a lifetime affliction. It is how I was made. Even though I am aware and take my medications, I still have times when I struggle. I tough it out and try to do things I know will help - like getting more rest, exercise and eating well. Dairy Queen works wonders too! :)

I would like to paint a picture for you. Imagine that you wake up and feel the presence of that dark shadow. You try to shake it off, but it remains. It follows you around and interferes with your life. It creeps into the tone of your voice and the expression on your face when you interact with others. They don't understand your inner struggle and make assumptions about your level of interest, or mood, or commitment to the task or conversation at hand. Their reactions make you feel worse...and the cycle begins. The dark shadow growing darker and larger. Laughing at your misfortune. You struggle to fix the mess you made and you come across as disingenuous. People stop calling. You are not fun anymore and they don't want to be around you. You sink deeper and deeper feeling more and more helpless and alone. This is depression.

With the life events of the past few years, no one can blame me for having some emotional struggles. Oncologists routinely prescribe anti-depressants to cancer patients as they know that living with this disease will bring you down. For the most part, I have been okay. I have a positive outlook and don't obsess about my future. Some days though, that shadow sits in the corner...slowly sashaying closer and closer. I feel my resolve crumbling a bit. I recognize it for what it is, though and throw things at it. :)  It usually only lasts a few days.

If you don't hear from me for a few days, or notice that I am not on Facebook or Candy Crush...I am likely just having a little low time...and will be myself again in a few days. Thank you for understanding.

If you have friends with depression, be kind and understanding. Try not to jump to conclusions. Give them the benefit of the doubt...they may be grappling with their own dark shadow and unable to give you the attention they would like to.