I was diagnosed with clinical depression about 20 years ago. There was no significant event that brought it on, and I was probably suffering for years before and just did not recognize it until it interrupted my life. I sat on my bed and started crying. I could not stop for over 3 hours. I went to my doctor the next day.
I have been on anti-depressants since then. Several times over the years I weaned myself off and thought I could just do it on my own. I always discovered that this was a bad idea after it was too late. Considering that anti-depressants take up to 6 weeks to work and several weeks to get out of your system, I set myself up for months of anguish each time I did that...for what? Pride? Fear of the stigma of having a mental health issue?
My depression is a chemical imbalance. There is a family history of depression. I should not be ashamed...and I am not, anymore.
I am infuriated when I hear someone say "go take a Prozac!". They have no idea how hurtful that is to someone who suffers from depression. Would they tell someone to "go shoot some insulin" or "take a shot of nitro". Of course not. Diabetes and Heart Disease are real ailments, right? Well, so is Depression!
Once I started taking medication, I realized that I had been depressed for years. My symptoms were not so much weepy, crying jags, but anger, lack of emotional connection to people, and the need to be alone. I would think about burrowing into the back of my closet and sitting there quietly for hours. I did not do it, as I had little kids then, but I thought about how wonderful that would be. I do remember sitting on my bed, staring at nothing and realizing that an hour had gone by in a blink of an eye.
For several years now I have accepted my diagnosis and have stopped trying to "get off the meds". I accept that this is a lifetime affliction. It is how I was made. Even though I am aware and take my medications, I still have times when I struggle. I tough it out and try to do things I know will help - like getting more rest, exercise and eating well. Dairy Queen works wonders too! :)
I would like to paint a picture for you. Imagine that you wake up and feel the presence of that dark shadow. You try to shake it off, but it remains. It follows you around and interferes with your life. It creeps into the tone of your voice and the expression on your face when you interact with others. They don't understand your inner struggle and make assumptions about your level of interest, or mood, or commitment to the task or conversation at hand. Their reactions make you feel worse...and the cycle begins. The dark shadow growing darker and larger. Laughing at your misfortune. You struggle to fix the mess you made and you come across as disingenuous. People stop calling. You are not fun anymore and they don't want to be around you. You sink deeper and deeper feeling more and more helpless and alone. This is depression.
With the life events of the past few years, no one can blame me for having some emotional struggles. Oncologists routinely prescribe anti-depressants to cancer patients as they know that living with this disease will bring you down. For the most part, I have been okay. I have a positive outlook and don't obsess about my future. Some days though, that shadow sits in the corner...slowly sashaying closer and closer. I feel my resolve crumbling a bit. I recognize it for what it is, though and throw things at it. :) It usually only lasts a few days.
If you don't hear from me for a few days, or notice that I am not on Facebook or Candy Crush...I am likely just having a little low time...and will be myself again in a few days. Thank you for understanding.
If you have friends with depression, be kind and understanding. Try not to jump to conclusions. Give them the benefit of the doubt...they may be grappling with their own dark shadow and unable to give you the attention they would like to.
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