Don't Poke the Bear!

* I published this on Wednesday, September 21st. I used a template from a draft I had started in August, so it shows up in my blog as being posted in August. Since I reference some timelines, I thought it wise to provide an explanation as a preface. :) Sorry for the confusion. Lesson learned!

It has been a tough couple of months. Some of it I blame on the weather. I just can't tolerate the humidity this year. I have so little energy of late...and it is really getting me down. That together with some worry about what is happening within my body, conspire to sink me into a quagmire of self-pity and depression. I say conspire...but not succeed...I have grappled with the black dog and I think I have finally got him back in his damn cage. (For those of you who are unfamiliar with "depression" lingo, this is a common metaphor.)

I am disappointed and angry and sad that I cannot do the things that I would like to do. I know that someone out there will say something like, "hey...we are all getting older and can't do what we would like to do", but I don't mean the little things...I am talking about being able to go shopping for a day, or taking a bike ride, or planning a weekend full of adventure.

When something "big" is coming up I have to plan for it. I have to rest up for it. For DAYS in advance. I also have to schedule downtime afterwards for a few DAYS to recover. This past weekend we had a wedding to attend on Saturday evening and a baby shower the following afternoon. In both cases, it was not an active event. Mostly sitting and eating and talking and laughing. Pretty innocuous. But I had to have quiet days on Thursday, Friday and Saturday morning, leave the wedding at 10ish and sleep in Sunday morning so that I could participate in these events. I then rested most of Monday and most of Tuesday. Today (Wednesday) I am still a little tired, and need to conserve energy for tomorrow as I am attending a retirement lunch. I feel like I am an 80 year old woman, not a 53 year old one.

People are always telling me how great I look. Yah, I do...I have rested up for the event that you see me at. If you could rest as much as I do, you would look great too! LOL!

I bought a bike this year with the intention of getting some exercise. Not riding 20 km or up and down hills, but just a little 5 km here and there around the neighbourhood to keep my legs strong and get a little cardio in. Well, I can't really do that - unless I simply circle the court. I never know when I will hit the wall and become overwhelmingly exhausted. I worry that if I venture too far, I won't have enough energy to be able to get back home.

It is the same with walking in the mall. Contrary to what my hubby might tell you, I don't always break the bank when I go to the mall. I like to walk around and look at things, and get some exercise in at the same time. I am now always conscious of how far away I am parked from where I am in the mall so that I can get back to my car. I take a rest on a bench at each "corner" so that I conserve my energy and increase my stamina. It is very frustrating for me.

Those of you who knew me before, know that I was very energetic. Lots of balls in the air at once. Multi-tasking, list writing, planning and organizing. Not this Linda. She can't do that anymore. Some is the fatigue and some is the change to your brain power after chemo. It is a real thing, this chemo brain...and I have an article in my blog on it specifically if you want more info. 

I am extremely grateful that I am here and able to write this article. Grateful that I wake up each day. Grateful that I have so many wonderful friends and family that care about me and are in my life. Call me selfish, but I wish I had more. I wish I still had that sharp brain and the stamina and energy to do the things I want to do.

I let this get me down this summer. I let it get to me. I don't like it when cancer wins a battle. I felt like it did this summer. But I am determined to exact revenge on this damn beast. I will put on my big girl panties and find a way to either reduce the fatigue or adapt my lifestyle to accommodate it and still accomplish what I want. Fuck you, Cancer. You may have knocked me back a little this summer, but you just poked the fucking bear!!! Look out!!! LOL!!

Feeling a little down...and a little angry...is that Downgry?

I am in a funk. Maybe even a little depressed. Just tired of being tired.

I went camping last week. We used to go every summer with the kids, then as they grew older, we went by ourselves. We had many memorable adventures there!

When my tennis elbow got so bad that I could not easily camp, we stopped going. I was then on a surgery waiting list for 2 years and was disinclined to book a site if it would mean cancelling if an OR opened up. As it turned out the year I had both elbows operated on, I also found out I had cancer...so we have not been in a long, long time.

I decided that this year I felt that I was strong enough to contribute to the camping experience. LOL. I had to curb my enthusiasm and my physical involvement. This also meant relinquishing control of the camp set-up and tear-down processes. It was difficult for me.

I realize that I am impaired by the drugs that I take and the damage they have done to my body. I realize that my family is willing to do whatever they have to to help me. But I don't want this. I am 53 not 83!!

I am angry with Cancer for stealing my energy and my ability to walk, run, bicycle, hike, and party like I used to. What is more disturbing is that this is not going to get better with time. I am having a difficult time accepting this new life.

I know that things could be so much worse...I know people who have battled and lost, and others that are so close that they can see the finish line. I am not one of those..and I am very grateful for the time I have been given. I am angry though, that I have to give up so much.

I try to be positive. I try to think of the wonderful blessings in my life and how lucky I am. I know I am. But I am still allowed to get mad. And I am.

Cancer affects all aspects of your life, and the lives of those around you. It is not fair. It is not logical. It is not discriminatory. And it fucking sucks!

End of rant!!

BTW, I had a shower, dressed up nice, did my makeup, put on a necklace and earrings and went to the mall. The guy at the Apple Store (it is called something else but they are a licensed distributor and I can't remember their name) noticed the effort. He told me that I look like summer personified. He said I look summery and happy!! Pfffttt!! LOL!!  I guess a little effort does go a long way. I did feel better. I also bought a new frying pan at the Kitchen store...retail therapy really does work!!!

I am feeling a little better tonight. A good night's sleep will do me good. The glass of Masi Ripasso is working wonders too! LOL!!

I wrote this yesterday and then had trouble with adding a picture, so I parked it. I looked at it again today and it is not my usual happy-go-lucky posting, but it really does reflect how I am feeling. I am not looking for cheer-leaders to perk me up...I just want to be honest about how it really feels. Cancer sucks, folks. Even when it is in remission.

 


I have a busy week coming up, so I am trying to stay "quiet" and "rest" as much as I can. *sigh*

I learned a lesson (again) last week while in Ottawa. Al told me to do "nothing" on Monday so that I would rest up after our weekend and have energy for the rest of the week in Ottawa. Of course, I did not listen and paid the price. The heat and humidity just did me in on my short walk from Rideau Centre to his office. I was done for the rest of the week.

It is becoming more difficult to bounce back. I am very physically tired but have trouble sleeping. I am immensely frustrated by this and yet grateful for the ability to rest in a beautiful home with a lovely backyard and pool.

When life gives you lemons and you make lemonade, it sometimes still tastes a little bitter. :]