Feeling a little down...and a little angry...is that Downgry?

I am in a funk. Maybe even a little depressed. Just tired of being tired.

I went camping last week. We used to go every summer with the kids, then as they grew older, we went by ourselves. We had many memorable adventures there!

When my tennis elbow got so bad that I could not easily camp, we stopped going. I was then on a surgery waiting list for 2 years and was disinclined to book a site if it would mean cancelling if an OR opened up. As it turned out the year I had both elbows operated on, I also found out I had cancer...so we have not been in a long, long time.

I decided that this year I felt that I was strong enough to contribute to the camping experience. LOL. I had to curb my enthusiasm and my physical involvement. This also meant relinquishing control of the camp set-up and tear-down processes. It was difficult for me.

I realize that I am impaired by the drugs that I take and the damage they have done to my body. I realize that my family is willing to do whatever they have to to help me. But I don't want this. I am 53 not 83!!

I am angry with Cancer for stealing my energy and my ability to walk, run, bicycle, hike, and party like I used to. What is more disturbing is that this is not going to get better with time. I am having a difficult time accepting this new life.

I know that things could be so much worse...I know people who have battled and lost, and others that are so close that they can see the finish line. I am not one of those..and I am very grateful for the time I have been given. I am angry though, that I have to give up so much.

I try to be positive. I try to think of the wonderful blessings in my life and how lucky I am. I know I am. But I am still allowed to get mad. And I am.

Cancer affects all aspects of your life, and the lives of those around you. It is not fair. It is not logical. It is not discriminatory. And it fucking sucks!

End of rant!!

BTW, I had a shower, dressed up nice, did my makeup, put on a necklace and earrings and went to the mall. The guy at the Apple Store (it is called something else but they are a licensed distributor and I can't remember their name) noticed the effort. He told me that I look like summer personified. He said I look summery and happy!! Pfffttt!! LOL!!  I guess a little effort does go a long way. I did feel better. I also bought a new frying pan at the Kitchen store...retail therapy really does work!!!

I am feeling a little better tonight. A good night's sleep will do me good. The glass of Masi Ripasso is working wonders too! LOL!!