Working It Out

Exercise class went very well today. Phew! Finally left a class feeling better, rather than worse!!

As you know, I go to Wellspring Niagara for support on my cancer journey. They offer a lot of programs, and I tried a few last year and the year before, but I just wasn't ready. I joined the Cancer exercise program a few weeks ago. They have a physiotherapist and a kinesiologist who provide an exercise program on-site for 20 sessions and then at a gym for the advanced classes.

I wanted to see if exercise would help with my chemo-induced fatigue. I also needed a program that was geared to my capabilities and constraints. This program was ideal. Everyone is a cancer warrior and we are all battling weakness of some sort. Paul and Candace make sure we only do what we can and they are eager to check in after each exercise station to ensure we don't over-do it.

This is exactly what I needed. I am prone to over-doing it on a regular basis...I have not yet accepted that I cannot do the things I once did. When I feel bad, I rest, but when I feel good I push myself to the limit...then pay for it for days afterwards. I needed to start slowly and very gradually increase my activity.

My first class was a disaster. My first exercise station was a chair. I was to sit down, then stand up, then sit down again ten times. I laughed. Really?! Sit down and stand up?? So I did the first set. Yikes! It was really frickin' hard. 2 more sets. I was exhausted. Sweating and tired. OMG!!

 I was not laughing anymore.

Next was the hand bicycle. Simply put, you pedal with your hands for 3 minutes. No tension on the wheel...just round and round. More sweat. Then tears.

Big uninvited tears of frustration.

I could not believe that I had become so weak and unfit. It was a "reality check" moment. Wow! I was angry. Cancer scores another goal. You f'ing bastard...you win this round...but I will prevail!!!

I persevered. The rest of that class and the next few classes were not much better. I would leave exhausted after a short 30 minute rotation of stations involving simple, easy tasks. Bicep curls with 3 lb weights, recumbent bike for 3 minutes with no tension, sit and stand, etc. It was difficult physically but more difficult mentally. Certainly I laughed at it and joked about it, but it was a hard pill to swallow.

Today was a good day, though.This was my 4th session and it was so much better. I felt stronger and capable. More importantly, I was mentally prepared. I recognized my capability and worked within in. I felt stronger and had more energy after my work out than I did going in. This is what it is supposed to do.

Acceptance. This is my world...these are the parameters...work with it.

When I worked, I often spoke with my teams about "working within your sphere of influence". There are so many aspects of our jobs with the federal government that are frustrating and some are downright ridiculous...but if we cannot change or influence it, there is no sense fretting over it or expending energy trying to change it. I advised to identify the areas you have influence over, (like how to implement it, or how you react to it), and work within those parameters. I am finally taking my own advice. I need to identify what is within my sphere of influence and work within in.

I know I can't run a marathon tomorrow...but I can work slowly at building stamina and strength...and one day, I can run that marathon if I really want to do it. (Not a chance that I would want to...but it was a good analogy...LOL!)

Today is a good day!