DO NOT read this if you have recently lost a loved one.

I have not written in a long time.

2019 has been a heartbreaking year.
A busy year.
And a joyous year.

In January, my mother-in-law had a stroke and the heartbreaking decision was made to remove all life-extending measures. She would never recover and would remain on a feeding tube without the ability to speak or swallow or move her right side. Blood clots in her heart and a brain bleed meant that treating either of these conditions would cause death. So the feeding tube and the iv fluids were removed, and nine days after her stroke, she passed away.

The family gathered. All three of her children, four grandchildren, one great-grandchild and one on the way. It was wonderful to have her surrounded my all that love.

But it was awful. No one should have to go through that. Assisted suicide provides for someone to die with dignity. That is great...but current laws require the patient to be able to consent right up until the last minute. There is no provision for the person with power of attorney to make that decision.

So you sit with them and wait. You watch them slip away. Sleeping more and more soundly. Wasting away. Fighting for breath at times. Hours, days and sometimes it can take weeks. Yes...weeks. It is cruel and undignified.

It was a terrible experience that I would not wish upon anyone.

In August, my father had a stroke and my mom was faced with making that same awful decision. In his case, there were multiple pulmonary embolisms and brain bleeds. He would never speak, swallow or have use of his right side.

It took ten days. Fortunately (?!) for me, I knew what to expect. Unless someone is on a ventilator and cannot breath on their own, they do not simply die when support is removed. Many people don’t know that or understand that. I was able to explain the process to my mom and we maintained a vigil until the end.

I also had pneumonia. I was quite ill and I had to go home for a few days. My daughter and her boyfriend flew in from Calgary and this gave me a few days to rest and have my eyelid surgery that I was debating rescheduling. My mom was with him every day and was never alone. She was shocked by the process and wondered why anyone would have to go through such a terrible ordeal. I kept the nurses on top of the Dilaudid to ensure he was not in any distress, and to hopefully expedite the inevitable. It was awful. My mom will never get over it.

My kids saw their grandmother and their grandfather pass away in the most terrible way this year. They will be forever changed by it. I know that my own illness makes this even more difficult for them. I have assured them that they will not have to go through this with me.

I thought of this today as there was a notice on the Myeloma FB group that one of the patient advocates had reached the end and had relocated to Colorado to avail herself of the Death with Dignity provisions. I applaud her. It is the most unselfish thing that she can do for herself and her loved ones.

I don’t want to start a shit-storm of debate about the ethics of assisted suicide. I have my own opinion, and it is just that. MY opinion. I do not want to put my loved ones through 8, 10, 20 days of watching and waiting. I want to go out with a loving embrace and retelling of happy memories.

In any event, that decision will not need to be made for many more years. I am still killing this f’ing cancer beast...and don’t plan on changing that anytime soon.

2019 was not without Joy!!

The last few months have been a whirlwind of activity surrounding my son’s marriage. He and his wife are wonderful together and their service last week was filled with laughter and silliness and LOVE. That is what we focus on when we remember 2019. A happy wedding and loving union of Mark and Rachelle.

I am tired and the remainder of 2019 will not be quiet either. I am travelling to British Columbia with my mother next month and then Al and I are heading south to Arizona. We will celebrate his birthday in Sedona and then I will send him back home and I will stay for a visit with my BF, Shiela. A quiet, read-a-book-by-the-pool, vacation that I will sorely need by then.

I know we have all experienced loss. Many of us just this past year. I know it is hard. Let us all try to find some joy in our life to focus our thoughts on. Something to distract from the sadness and loss. Happy thoughts of vacations to come, impending weddings and births, birthdays, anniversaries, and LOVE.

Find your happy place, take a deep cleansing breath and think happy thoughts.